


Of the Gazelle with the Immortelle in its Throat

by lindsey_grissom



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-19
Updated: 2008-05-19
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsey_grissom/pseuds/lindsey_grissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Tonight you're after memories, because your own are getting too old, too fast.</i>  Ianto uses the Ghost Machine when he needs to feel something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of the Gazelle with the Immortelle in its Throat

It isn't easy to sneak passed Jack. It never has been, but now the Captain is more cautious, he's learnt his lesson from Suzie and he guards the Hub's secrets with more intensity than before. And he doesn't really sleep; that hinders the sneaking more than a little.

But you're nothing if not persistent, and besides, there are reasons why you need to sneak around, but you aren't going to think about them; that's not why you're here tonight.

Tonight, you're after memories, because your own are getting old too fast, and so very empty. You're beginning to forget what it's like to _feel_ something, and you don't want that because this numbness is choking you.

Owen _and_ Gwen said they could feel the emotions of the 'ghosts' they saw, and that's what you want. Someone else's emotions.

You can't go far with it, just in case Jack notices its absence, or yours. But you're certain the Plass holds a multitude of memories across the spectrum, and you'll take whatever you can get.

You grip the device; only one half because you can't bear to think about the future; there's only what _is_ and what _was_ for you, and you watch as it lights up.

You press the button with no more fanfare than you tidy the tourist leaflets at the end of the day, and close your eyes to the night.

 

_You open your eyes to sunshine and blue skies; well as blue as Cardiff skies ever are. You look around, you can feel it; joy and laughter and you need to know where it's from, because you're feeling._ Feeling. _And it isn't pain and the slowly devouring ache of desperation._

_It's a modern memory. You know because the people are wearing jeans and talking into phones, and if it wasn't for the feelings, you'd think you'd fallen asleep and just woken up tomorrow._

_Your eyes follow a young couple and you try not to draw parallels when the woman grasps the man's wrist and drags him out of sight. She doesn't have Lisa's laugh, and he isn't wearing your shoes. _

_You turn around because there's nothing for you in that direction, and get caught by azure eyes that are frighteningly familiar. It doesn't make sense, because Jack can't be here, there's only ever been one observer in the memories and you think the only reason you're not panicking is because the only feelings you have are not your own._

_But Jack's not looking at you, and you can't ever remember the Captain wearing jeans, and the blue box he's hanging out of is familiar too. Jack laughs and it crashes through you leaving hollow echoes and you wonder at the irony of your 'ghost' being Jack. _

_The dark man that holds Jack's attention disappears into the box with him, and you're far from surprised that Jack has charmed him too._

_And then they're back with two more people, and you know you've seen the woman before, and you were chosen for Torchwood One for a reason; you're smart enough to work out who the man in leather is._

_There's a twinkle in Jack's eyes as he laughs and flirts that you've only ever seen the embers of, but you didn't know that until now; until this other Jack that's younger and lighter and so open it's hard to assimilate him with your Jack. _

_Before you can follow they fade out of sight and the world darkens around you._

 

It's a jolt, almost physical, to lose Jack's emotions, but you remember them; remember their depth and intensity and maybe you've gotten more from this than you expected, because you're nearly _sad_ to think of the two Jack's you've seen tonight. The one with happiness in his soul, and the one with only shadows.

You're curious too, because there must be more than one story behind the transformation of the Captain and it's been so long since you've found curiosity in more than cybernetics.

Your watch bleeps and you know it's late and the machine in your hand is staying dark now, so there's nothing more for you out here.

The Hub looks more inviting that it ever has, and you wonder what's changed since the last time you were here.

You pause beneath Jack's office before you leave, catching sight of the soft light that must be coming from the sunken room below. You wonder one last time what happened to the young man you saw as a ghost, then the light flickers and you leave.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
~ * ~ * ~

 

It's much easier to sneak passed Owen, in fact you barely had to sneak at all; you've never commanded Owen's attention like you have Jack's. A cup of coffee and silence and you can slip passed the doctor like a ghost. Which rather suits you this evening.

You hold the…Ghost Machine you've labelled it, and it's not the catchiest title, but then, this device doesn't raise the dead…in your hands and face out from the water tower. The last time you stood here with the Machine, you saw images of a young, and you dare to assume; _mortal_ Jack Harkness. You want to see that ghost again. You want to see any Jack again.

It's been exactly three weeks, four days, nineteen hours and thirty-two minutes since the Captain left, and you're beginning to forget what it feels like to wake up to blue eyes watching you. You just want to see those eyes for a moment, then you'll be able to pretend again until Jack comes back. Which he has to do, because even though Jack left with the big blue box you remember, he has to come back for you. Because he promised you he would when he came back from Abbadon.

The device in your hand lights up and you press the button on top, but you keep your eyes open this time when the past takes over from the present, because you've seen far too much to close your eyes on time.

 

_The hour seems about the same, you can sense the light of the sun fading as dusk encroaches, it's something you've felt often in recent months. _

_It's not the same memory as before, and disappointment circles your heart, because now you'll have to stay through a stranger's memory and that would have suited you last time, but it's not why you're here now. _

_And then you spot him. You recognise the coat first, because in all your young years and the fashions you've seen, no one has ever worn a greatcoat quite like Jack's, and you've been close to it more times than you can remember. He took that with him when he ran, you wish he hadn't. _

_Jack's huddled, and that's not something you ever thought you would see; his back against the railings and his head tilted, gaze on the darkening sky. _

_You've been so distracted, you missed the emotions you should have felt, but as you move closer to Jack, they slam into you with a force that makes you stumble and gasp. _

_You're close enough now, that you can see the rivers of tears glistening down Jack's cheeks. They don't surprise you, you can feel a mirroring burn in your own eyes._

_There's so much pain in what you're feeling from Jack that you wonder if he'll ever heal from this, if he ever has._

_You wish you could take this man in your arms and hold him tight. You wish that would make a difference._

_Jack's silent as he cries, and you've noticed that before. For all that he makes a loud impression, he suffers with a quietness that makes you hate the experiences that taught him that._

_You try to guess when this is, but there's no one else around, and Jack's age and clothes never change. You think it must be before your time, because even when you've hated your Captain, you would have seen him on the CCTV by now, you would have found him and taken him back to the Hub. You hope desperately that someone will come for him, because this sight is breaking your heart, and you didn't think you'd fallen this far already. _

_Jack fades away before you see anyone come for him._

 

You stare at the spot where he sat, and you can still see him there, on the black of your eyelids when you blink, and that sight's going to haunt you for some time.

You want Jack back, that hasn't changed, but now you want him back because you want to hold him like you couldn't his ghost, because you need to reassure you both that Jack isn't alone, that you'll always find him when his tears plead with the stars.

You want him back, but you think that the happiest you've seen him is when that blue box was around, so if that means you have to wait for him, you will. Because you don't want to know how many times that last memory has repeated but you're completely certain you don't want it to happen again.

You hope that Jack gets whatever he needs from that box and you'll be here when he gets back.

When Owen's voice sounds in your ear relating the location of the weevil sighting, you place the device in your pocket and take off at a run, remembering the first time you met Jack, and the twinkle you brought out in his eyes.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
~ * ~ * ~

 

You don't even bother sneaking this time. Jack's sitting right there at his desk and you make no attempts to hide your actions. You're not sure if Jack sees you anyway. It's hard to tell sometimes, just what Jack _sees_, but the way he jumps when you touch him, you're sure it's rarely you.

You're not angry with him. You want to be, because that would make it easier, but it's no more Jack's fault than it is yours. You can't imagine what Jack's going through, and it's not a _lack_ of imagination. You just can't let yourself, because you remember the pain of the last memory you saw and you're scared this is worse and can't be fixed.

You're outside and in the rain before you realise you've moved. And that's good. That means you didn't pause as you passed the autopsy bay; you didn't hesitate next to Tosh's desk. You also didn't separate the device, but that was intentional.

This time you need the future. You wonder if two times equals a pattern, but you hope it does, because this future ghost needs to include Jack like the others. You need to know what's coming and whether you, Gwen and Jack will be there, all there, because you've had enough of surprises. You all have.

The device glows, and though your stomach is tight with tension and your heart's beating faster than it did your first night with Jack, you hold on tight and press the button. If your eyes stay closed on a blink a little longer than necessary, it's because you're tired of being brave.

 

_There's laughter and giggles, and your cheeks feel hot where the rain's drying from your skin. And you can feel it, you've felt it before, just like this and you're actually terrified to turn around and discover that you're just back in that first memory. _

_But you do turn, because that last giggle wasn't from an adult, and your heart stops its frantic beat completely for a moment. _

_There's no one walking around, you'd consider the strangeness of that if you weren't so spellbound by the 'ghosts'._

_Jack's here, like always, and you feel triumphant in knowing you were right, and he's in jeans again, not a brace in sight. You might still be unsure about the timing of this if you couldn't see yourself here too, and even though this you is still wearing a pair of black suit trousers, your jacket is gone, probably placed wherever your tie is, and you can spot trainers where your leather shoes should be. _

_The future you is mirroring Jack's actions, which results in both of you appearing as though you've lost something in the water tower. You look where the two figures are defiantly not looking, and see the source of the child giggles. _

_He can't be more than three, and the way he smiles is familiar, vaguely; it's been a while since you've seen anyone smile. With a giggle the small boy jumps off of the invisible lift and you watch as your double and Jack stumble back, grabbing chests and breathing harshly. _

_Then suddenly Jack swoops and grabs the boy about the waist, swinging him up into the air and around, the little legs wiggling and kicking in joy. Jack laughs at the new giggles, and you can hear your own laughter too, and you smile, because you've missed your laughter almost as much as you've missed Jack's. _

_Jack settles the child on his hip and grins down at him._

_'Jonathon Owen Williams, that's the third time you've disappeared on us. What's your mother going to say when she comes to get you?' _

_The boy bites his lip in thought, and you don't need his name to know whose child this is. _

_You watch as the future you wraps an arm around Jack's waist, settling against him when his own arm slides around your shoulder. The two ghosts are smiling at each other, and you can't feel anything that you don't see in Jack's eyes from here, and even though there's something there you think comes from living so long, everything is positive, so very positive and the tears in your eyes are finally from joy not pain._

_The images fade out as strong arms wrap around you from behind._

 

You lean back against Jack's chest and feel the beat of his heart behind yours. They're beating in time, and you think you'll excuse yourself if the thoughts you're now having can be classed as sappy.

Jack's breathing against your neck; sucking your scent in and letting it out slowly, reluctantly, as though he wants to keep that part of you inside him forever.

There are words you could use. Because this is you, fallen completely; there'll be no one else. There are jokes you could make about the rain and sucking and Jack. But you don't say any of them. You don't even mention Jack's lack of coat, because he's wrapped it around you, and you know what that's cost him. He's removed the shield around him for the first time since Gray, and you want to mark the moment some how. This is a step towards that future memory, which seems to you, to be the kind of inevitability you'll never bore looking for.

So you stay silent, and you turn around in his arms and wrap him in yours. You press your face into his neck and suck him in, and release his scent reluctantly, and you notice that even this you're doing in perfect time together.

You smile and hold tighter, and you let the tears out when Jack's smile tickles silk across your skin. You'll tell Jack about the things you've seen someday, you'll tell him that even though you weren't there, you were. And maybe you'll take half the device to the field of Jack's living grave one day.

Or maybe you won't need to.

You've seen a future you want to reach and you're going to get there, you're going to make sure Jack gets there too, and maybe this determination will be enough.

Maybe, just this once, you'll find that everything is enough.

 

**End.**


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